Michael Bay Does Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – A Modern Bro Rant

I got a text last night from my buddy over at Double Viking telling me “The turtles are aliens???” At first I thought he was clearly out of his mind through some mind-altering substance, so I sent a text back for clarity, i.e., “WTF?” His reply? “Thank you Michael Bay for (censored) my childhood.” Unfortunately, he was right, as witnessed by numerous links posted, including this one, complete with video:

Michael Bay talks Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles by stuffwelike

My inner child wept. Violently. Loudly. And without restraint. What part of the word “Mutant” do you not understand, Michael Bay? Then again, this is the same guy that brought us Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, complete with Devastator as a “dog” that hasn’t been…ahem…neutered.

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Mutant Turtles are from EARTH!

If you’re over the age of 20, you know basic canon of the Ninja Turtles…and if you’re over 30, you probably grew up on the first generation, which was plenty plausible as sci-fi goes, and could easily be reinterpreted – sans the camp of the first movie (Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love the original TMNT, but if we’re bringing it back, why not) – but seriously, ALIENS? Next thing you know, Shredder will be a contestant from Top Chef, April O’Neal will be an ex-police officer turned pole dancer, and Casey Jones will be all corporate a la Patrick Bateman.

Actually, that might not be all that bad…

Seriously, Michael Bay, hire some writers who know WTF the stories are about. You can put all the ‘splosions you want in there, but leave the creative stuff to people who get it…